A Feel For Horses

  The decision has been made. My cancer will be treated by chemoradiation alone. So, if any of you have been hanging around just to see if I croak during surgery, I’m sorry to ruin the suspense. On the other hand, if you want to witness how much torture I get to endure over the next two or more months, hang in there. I have this nagging hunch you won’t be too disappointed. This has been a very difficult chapter for me to organize. My thoughts have been all over the place. That combined with a very busy work schedule along with the standard life obligations outside the realm of cancer has kept me from posting as regularly as I’d like. So, this particular chapter is a compilation of thoughts and feelings I had pre-surgery decision making and post. So here we go. Monday night was wet and dreary. It reminded me of some Lon Chaney movie where the ghoul suddenly appears out of the London mist. I sat on my couch listening to the gutters dripping left over rain from last weekend’s de...

My timetable for decision making suddenly changed this week due to a scheduling mix up. I’ve headed to Indy seven days earlier than planned for an MRI and a pre-op meeting. I never attended a “pre-op” meeting before but it's something they schedule close to surgery to rule out any surprises. It’s also a sign that surgery is close although I still don’t know any dates. Right now, I’m not much in the mood for any more surprise changes but I’ve come to recognize they are just part of this dreadsome process. I’m currently stuck in this emotional comfortable/uncomfortable holding pattern. It’s what I would call the “emotional landscape in between,” meaning nothing is currently etched in stone activating my undivided attention. Therefore, in a very limited sense, my peace of mind is not being directly assaulted by an invasion date. That is the comfort, and it’s extremely small. Still, this particular unknown called “my decision to elect major surgery” is on the nearby horizon causing...

Been almost a week since my last post. So, here’s the latest. As many of you may have noticed by now, if it weren’t for cancer my life would be a fairly boring place to visit. I basically get up, take the dog to the sitters, go to work, pick the dog back up, make dinner, chat with the neighbors, watch some tv, and go to bed. I do the same thing on the weekends except I don’t go to work, I go to the lake where I eat, drink, and play with my dog. But sometimes I work at home or the lake if something pressing is on my law horizon. Now I’ve added blogging to the mundane. Speaking about blogging, I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from my friends. It feels good to know that this whole episode is providing at least a little interest and entertainment. My ultimate hope is that I can eventually reach a larger audience comprised of people going through this shit and perhaps give them a forum for emotional support. But I do have to say I feel a little uncomfortable when someone gives...

My road trip to Bloomington and Indianapolis added yet another chapter to this troubling portion of my life’s journey. To my surprise, it was a very positive event and I was left feeling curiously optimistic. To begin with, the IU medical center visit was, for lack of a better term, promising. My buddy Skip and I got there early Thursday morning after leaving Bloomington. And unlike other road trips we’ve taken over the years, we were both rested with no hangover. I suspect it’s probably past the time in my life where I cope by drinking through things. As for Skip, he’s always been the poster child for moderation. Me, well that’s another story best left to your imagination. The amazing thing is how, despite our many differences, we have stayed so connected. Upon arrival, we were both escorted into a medical office space where I was administered the basic stuff like temperature and blood pressure readings. Blood pressure was 120 over 68, temperature was whatever normal is. Then I w...