Chapter 2: Surviving Monday

 

Monday October 5

Woke up, got out of bed, ran a comb across my head….By the way, those are the words to a Beatles song. Or at least I think those are the words however, I’ve sung the wrong words to hundreds of songs over my lifetime so it’s very possible I missed these too. Funny how stuff like that just seems to show up in our heads.

As for me, I have no hair to comb. Fortunately, I suffered that shock a couple decades ago, long before cancer took center stage. Thank God because losing my hair is now one less shock I’ll have to endure navigating this nightmare. And as I’m quickly learning, you have to grab your blessing anywhere you can find them, no matter how small.

I spent last weekend getting my home in order. At least that was the plan. And while I did do some deep cleaning and a bit of organizing, I have to confess I binge watched Ozark, a show I slowly (very) came to enjoy. For some reason I believed that the fourth and final season would start in November. Turns out its release date is in May of 2022. When I learned of this, my first thought was that I hoped I’d be around to see it. Yes, it seems Ozark has given me just another added incentive to slay this personal dragon. Like I said, you got to take your blessings wherever you find them.

The weekend was mostly free of C thoughts. My mood was good and I spent time visiting with neighbors and friends. I met one of my closer friends for breakfast at a nearby restaurant where I ordered my favorite meal forgetting that it was food I’d have trouble swallowing. But I forged ahead moving pieces of egg from the roof of my mouth by hand and positioning it on the side of mouth so I could swallow it. What a pain in the ass. When I was done, I looked like a two-year old who’d spent mealtime playing with his food. And what really sucked was I couldn’t taste it like I used to. Elegant dining dates are definitely on hold for a while. But that really isn’t a problem since I basically became a social hermit long before the current state of affairs.

By the way, I hope none of you think I’m trying to play the sympathy card by talking about me feelings. I am actually in some of the best emotional spirits I can recall. Physically, I feel great. I have some discomfort in my throat and ears but Ibuprofen takes it away rather quickly. Nothing even close to unbearable is currently affecting me.

I’m also pretty cognizant of people around me who are undergoing their own crisis, some emotional and some physical. My radar just seems to pick them up. And it’s true that misery does love company but not so much for comparison reasons like, “well, my cancer is worse than yours”. Rather I have recently seen and met people who have conditions far graver than mine. I look at them, not to compare, but to marvel at their degrees of strength. There is nothing more beautiful than watching a blind person brave a crosswalk on their own. Where the hell does that power come from?

So anyways.

Monday morning arrived and, for the first time since this Armageddon, I was in a very depressed mood. It lasted through lunch. I think it came about because I started reading survivor accounts involving people who had successfully fought the initial battle only to encounter more disease after their remission had lured them into a sense of comfort. I started imagining fighting this intense battle only to have the C come back in my jaw or brain. By the way, people who confront this demon multiple times are simply amazing. Hell, I’m having enough trouble and we haven’t even started the bad shit yet.

Yes, Monday morning I was feeling sorry for myself, pure and simple. And I can assure you I’ll be feeling sorry for myself a whole bunch more before this is over. In fact, I’ll let you read all about those moments as I work through them.

It’s like when I first heard my diagnosis and sat around with some of my close friends at the lake. I acted as if I was interested in the late afternoon festivities but what I was really doing was sitting there growing resentment. I started envisioning them laughing and joking when I was gone. Sure, they’d bring up my name every once in a while, but after laughing at some stupid thing I’d done or said, they’d go on living their life. In fact, they would move on as If I’d never even been there.

But then I let those thoughts go. And by the way, I’m almost certain I’ll have those type of thoughts again. It’s the nature of this beast to, at times evoke, envy, resentment, anger, and the other deadly sins.

Speaking of thoughts, it amazes me how quickly they can take control of a person’s spirit. The fact is we know so little about them and how they are born. But a fun fact to know and tell is based on a study that was done by the Cleveland Clinic some years back. The typical person has over 60 thousand thoughts a day. About 90% of those are repeat thoughts and about 90% of those repetitive thoughts are negative. If correct, this study shows we bombard ourselves with roughly 45 thousand negative thought a day. No wonder people in the midst of crisis can go crazy.

Thinking can be some pretty destructive stuff despite the fact thoughts are just little pieces of energy we somehow pull out of the air. But if you can quiet your mind for a moment, you can actually catch the next thought that enters your mind and watch it. As you practice this exercise, you can actually see these thoughts as they travel down that busy thought freeway of your mind. It’s a wonderful exercise to learn and play with. Google “Eckart Tolle” for his instructions on how to watch thought. As for me, I’m paying particularly close attention to my thoughts because this is the wrong time to give these little tyrants power by engaging. 

Anyways, my Monday eventually melted into Tuesday and a whole new perspective appeared. “This too shall pass” has become my personal mantra. I like it because it is so very true. I laughed, made fun of the way I talked, and just generally self-depreciated. By the way, if you can’t make fun of yourself, I believe you are wholly unqualified to make fun of others. That’s one right I want to retain because many of my acquaintances do some pretty stupid stuff they deserve being called on.

I have an appointment with Doctors at IU med center in Indy on Thursday. Apparently, the physician who’s going to see me is Lance Armstrong’s doctor. I was really excited about that until I heard he snipped Lance’s private parts. But I’m really looking forward to the meeting anyway. Besides, my tongue is pretty far North of that location.

I’ve decided to turn my appointment into a road trip. Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at doing road trips. This one should be no exception. My buddy and I are going to Bloomington to spend Wednesday night and walk the town and campus. It’s a place that’s always held a certain magic for me and it’ll do my soul good to see it once again. For whatever reason, going there is almost a need I feel. I suspect my visit is meant to somehow help me make my final decision for treatment.

At any rate, I’m off. Keep you posted.  

Adios!